Week 38 - What I Fear

I'm holding steady with both weights and measurements this week.  Slowly I'm making my way down.  I can still say I'm at my lowest weight ever in 13 years.

Since the fitness media fast ended I am back to reading fitness blogs again.  I suppose I shouldn't.  I read posts by healthy, smart, sassy, feminist personal trainers who talk about what it means to be healthy, fit, and strong, who say that we shouldn't pay attention to the numbers on the scale, but what we are capable of doing, who do occasionally mention their weight.  It's always a bit discouraging.  I read, "I'm 5'5" and I'm 127 pounds, or I'm 5'9 and 136 pounds" and it just makes me feel that much worse about my own accomplishments.  I feel fat.  I realize I have such a long way to go.  It drives home the point just how overweight for my height I was, and how overweight I still am, even though I have lost several pounds.  It amazes me how most smart fitness bloggers know better than to mention their weight and generally avoid doing so, but the one time they do, I seem to reading the blog that day.

What is ultimately going to be the right weight for me?  Even at my heaviest people told me I wasn't fat when I wore normal clothes.  Friends, family, and even semi-strangers at the gym have noticed and commented on my weight loss saying how great I look.  I'm still so much heavier than fit, short counterparts, and around the same weight as fit and average height counterparts.  I feel overwhelmed at times.  I feel this sense that I must, with no exceptions, lose at least another 15 pounds and another 2 inches off my waist and hips and another 3 inches off my thighs.  I also must get down below 20% bodyfat.

Now I see the reason why we had this fitness media fast last month.  Even the best, kindest, most body-positive, feministic fitness media can inadvertently make you feel bad.

Even though it doesn't always seem as if I have lost dramatic amounts of body mass, I am definitely seeing a change in my clothes.  Almost everything I own is too big now.  I have to wear a belt with almost all of my jeans.  My dresses gap and sag in the shoulders.  My skirts hang low on the hips.  I was very happy to report to Kevin that the leather skirt he bought me when we were dating that I put away for years because it had become way too tight, fits me again.  Most of my workout pants don't fit me anymore.  I only have one pair of workout pants, one pair of capris, and one pair of bike shorts that I don't worry about falling down in the gym. (Sadly all my sports bras fit me just fine.  I just can't seem to shrink that area.)

I need to buy new clothes.  I obviously can't walk around with my pants on the ground.  My problem is money is tight right now.  I just don't have the funds.  It seems that from August through October of this year I have had to deal with some big expenses and they just keep coming.  I just can't seem to save much discretionary cash.  This month I have to deal with Kevin's birthday and my niece's birthday.  I bookmark outfit after outfit on my Pinterest board (link provided in case anyone needs ideas for Christmas - ha ha).  I haven't bought a thing.  Right now most of my cold weather clothes are in a pile on the spare room floor. awaiting being moved into the closet for the season and the summer clothes wait to be moved into storage.  I don't know how much I should throw out and how much I should keep.

But let's face it.  Money is not the only reason I am not buying clothes.  Even if I had the money I think I might hesitate. What if I revamp my wardrobe, buy everything I want in a small size, and then find that this time next year I need my fat girl clothes back?

Even though I still believe that I can get to my goal weight, I still can't shake the fear that I won't keep it off.  Maybe by spring of next year I'll be at goal.  By fall of next year, I'll be ten pounds heavier.  By spring of the following year, I'll be right where I started.  I'll reminisce about those few precious months where I was thin.  I'll be buying all new clothes again.

I'm going to my 25th high school reunion tonight.  I'm thinner now than I was for the 20th one.  Tonight I will be content with that.


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